Transcription #134

Hi guys, welcome

to threads podcast life unfiltered. Thank you so much for joining us tonight tomorrow, whatever you’re listening to the show. This is Episode 134. Before we get into tonight’s direction, Ben’s going to do a short intro about what threads is all about. And then we’ll kind of get in the iceberg here.

Good evening. Good morning. Good afternoon. Thank you for listening threads podcast is a show about vulnerability, kicking it back old school. That’s the word I used when we first started threads. And it’s a word that still applies today. The show is all about Jason and I being vulnerable about our stories, the high points, the low points, everything in between. And we also occasionally have guests on to join in that thread of conversation. We talk about mental health, faith and uncomfortable conversations here on the podcast. And to get things started, we like to do a icebreaker, the one that we’ve been sticking with a lot lately is how are you showing up tonight? And it’s one of those questions that it helps us kind of get a feel for the room. That’s one of the things you’re supposed to do when you’re making a presentation is get the feel of the room. So this is our way of getting the feel of the room. Just checking in with each other. How are we doing? What was the day like? That sort of thing. So Jason, how are you showing up tonight?

Yeah, before we get into that, though, we are going to talk about parenting. That’s going to be our tonight’s direction, whether how you respond to things or those kinds of things, like not so much discipline, but this like weirdo situations where you’re like, Oh, no, I need a friend to tell me what to do. But I’m showing up tonight a little tired. I had a colonoscopy today. And well, it went amazingly. Like I didn’t know anything happened. Like I went to sleep. And I woke up and it was done. Just feeling a little drained after the prep over the weekend and

literally drained literally. Thank you. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I know that was delayed, but I had to have it. No pun intended.

No pun intended. Yeah, so that’s where I’m coming in tonight. So it went okay, found out some things. I’m not going to get into super detail on it. But yeah, a little lower low energy. So I’m expecting you to bring the energy for the show.

I don’t know. How are you coming in? I am coming in. It’s post therapy. And oh boy, we’re in trouble. Right? That’s the thing about recording on Monday nights. That’s also my therapy day. And it’s fine. I don’t have a problem coming after therapy. It’s just I’m in a different state of mind. I

guess. So use it was a good session wasn’t bad. You need like, some sort of self care after like, this is what I do to get to not to read you have whatever you worked on, but just be like, okay, resetting, here’s my Starbucks. Here’s my whatever. Here’s my walk the dog. Here’s my ride the bike or whatever.

Yeah, I used to do bike rides after therapy. And that was super helpful. But for anyone in between this and that matter. No, that’s tough. It is. It’s a little tricky. So I’m showing up. I’m feeling good. But just, I would say just a little tired. Oh, boy. Not only did I have therapy, but I also did ride share this weekend. Yeah, dad, man,

you’re you got the old third shift. hang over. I got the bug. Yeah, well, I’m just saying you’re up late. And your body’s not used to it. And then you’re like, Oh, no, I’m gonna go sleep. Like Did you have trouble sleeping last night? Because you slept a lot during the day. I’m not too bad.

I mean, I stayed up too late last night. Yeah, there’s that. But yeah, yeah, it’s tricky. But it was so fun. I loved it.

I’m glad that you’re there. You’re back doing it. And it’s giving you that? I mean, is it is it fun? Because the money is good right now because of the bonuses or is it fun just to be back in the saddle and talking to people? And

I think it’s both what I’d be doing this if the bonus wasn’t there? Probably not. But I do enjoy the conversation and the interactions that I have with passengers. And it’s just, I don’t know, it’s so fun to just sit back and listen to their crazy wild stories. Nations. Yeah, we’re like a fly on the wall. Yeah. And then I go pick them up and drop them off and reset. Yep. So I had twice this weekend that I picked up the same party. Like I took them downtown. Oh, really? And then

I picked them up at the end of the night. That’s how you know there’s not very many drivers out there. I mean, that happens occasionally. But I can probably count on one hand how many times that ever happened? Yeah.

And it’s because I’m XL only Ah, yeah, that makes a difference. So it was a ton of fun. I loved it.

Oh, good.

So we’re gonna just transition to a personal update and then jump right into the topic tonight. Really, I don’t have a ton. I really have to bring something up though, something I learned. And maybe you will find this as funny as my family did. But so over the last couple months, I’ve been telling people that I’m 46. And I’ve told you I’m 46 and I’m 46 years old. And so last week I go to the gastro entero ologists. And I look on the sticker that they printed out for me are the little sheet with my information that says 45. I said, I didn’t tell him anything about I said a picture. Megan. I’m like, I think they screwed up. I’m 46 Oh, no, we did the math. I’m 45. I’ve been telling, like, even on the show, like I think maybe when Joe was in I was unlike, I don’t know, maybe it came up. I feel like it’s come up in conversation in the last couple months since my birthday in March that I’ve I’m 46. So how did you skip a year? I don’t know. But Meghan look back in the pictures. And it literally says 45 in the cake. And Megan was it wasn’t just me. They all thought I was 46. She’s like, well, you’re, you’re 46. And I said, I know. And we did the math. And she’s I’m like, No, I’m 45. So that’s what I learned this week that I’m actually 45 and not 46.

Well, isn’t that crazy? That’s,

that is wild. I think those things we talked about, forget what they’re called. But your brain thinks something is true. But it’s like, way off.

What are those called? We did talk about those? I don’t remember. But

clearly, but we’ve established on both podcasts that math and geography are not our strong suit. So MD everyone I am 45 years old, just in case you need to know Born in 1976. So Can someone correct me if I say it wrong now that you know the year March 1976.

Wow, man, and I’m 37 you had trouble with that too? Sure. did. I think I’m 37. Wait, it’s so hard to keep track when you get older? I don’t know. Yeah. But I would say for me, a valley that I had in the last week. I thought I really thought Father’s Day was gonna be a valley. Like, I thought it was gonna be a low point tonight was not super excited about Father’s Day. Welcome. Welcome to my club. Yeah, no kidding. Because

yours was pretty low. Not well, not eating and not having a biological father and not having a legal father that’s not in my life. And not that I was pining for him. But right. I’m not trying to take over your thing. No, that’s fine. But I mean, I tried to just not even think about it. That was my goal. And clearly you were thoughtful and worried about the low point. And why was that?

Um, I was anticipating just a rough day with my own family. miracle is off at kids across America camp in Branson, Missouri, a long way from home. And Stefan is just Ben. I don’t know, I mentioned it on the show. It’s just been hard, hard to connect with him. But we rallied i guess i rallied and made it an okay day and just tried to have a good attitude. But I woke up and I guess I was expecting to have my son say Happy Father’s Day or something in the morning and he didn’t. So I’m like, did they forget today’s Father’s Day? Because miracles not here or what’s going on? I didn’t say much about it. didn’t say anything about it. And voted up went to church. got home. Well, no, actually, we were going to go to roses after church, but we got there and there’s no parking and it’s like, line out the door busy. Yeah. So I was like, well, we’ll just go home. And I’m still not hearing anything from my son like, Hey, Hey, Dad, Happy Father’s Day. So I’m just feeling kinda like, what the hell? This is just gonna be a stupid day. Let’s just go home and it’ll be whatever. So I was expecting it to be a valley. But we get home and I go in my, my pity corner in my office and just sit in my chair in the dark because that’s what I do. Yeah, you are the dark setter. Yes. So I’m just sitting in there playing on my phone. Next thing I know the door opens and I was expecting Andy But no, it was my son’s to fine man. He has a card in his hand and kingsize pack of receipes. And I’m just like, oh, man, he’s like Happy Father’s Day dad. And he sits down on the office chair and I open the card and He actually was very thoughtful in writing a message to me on the card. It was short, like it typically would be from a teenage boy, but it was impactful. And it was just a moment of Oh, he did remember. And oh, I do matter to him. Yeah. And it was just a really positive. Good moment. That’s good. And then we went to roses for the second time. And the table was open, and we got right in and we all had burgers, coincidentally. And it was just a fun time surprise. You

went back, I would be like, I’m home. Damn docs. I would be like, I’m I’m home. I’m not leaving again. Wonder Who’s here? I don’t know. Hmm. Probably neighbor kid or something?

Probably. So. So yeah, I, well, I really wanted to go to roses. It’s like my latest favorite place to go. So after getting the car and I guess that kind of boosted my spirits, and I was like, okay, we can go to lunch. It’ll be fun. So okay. Yeah, it was.

It was good. I wonder if Annie reminded him or do you think he remembered? I think

he probably remembered he just didn’t say anything for whatever reason. Okay. Yeah, until after church. It’s just odd.

I think boys are generally like that anyways, they’re not as thoughtful as the girls. Yeah, I mean, Avery’s just like, second I wake up Happy Father’s Day. Right, like, right on top of it. And then suddenly, while he’s kind of aloof to a lot of things, so that’s just the autism but and he’s because he’s boy. So it’s double whammy, right. But yeah, I think I’m glad that it turned out for you. Did you get any hammock time?

Uh, no, really. But that’s fine. It was kind of stormy. A little bit in the afternoon, evening last night. So but after my Uber extraordinare time, Saturday, I went in the backyard and laid on my hammock at like three in the morning. Awesome.

Guys, thank you so much for listening threads podcast real quick. We’d love for you to support us on buy me a coffee. If you go to buy me a coffee comm slash threads podcast there. You can give a $1 or $1. a one time donation. It’s not a donation. It’s buying us a coffee for $5 $10 $15 $1,000 $1 million? I don’t know. Could you actually do $1 million on buying me a coffee? Probably not. You can do that one time or again, you can do a membership for $10 a month or $100 a year what that gets you is a private group with us to talk about things that might be going on your life that you can’t talk to anyone else or you just need a friend to lean on. and a bunch of other perks. Go to buy me a coffee.com slash threads podcast to sign up. Also, Ben’s working on the newsletter. He’s doing a great job and we would love for you to sign up on the newsletter. If you go to threads podcast slash newsletter, put your email address in there. And we’d love to get you a newsletter. All the comings and goings of threads podcast, Ben and Jason’s lives, those kinds of things. threads podcast comm slash newsletter. Okay, thank you guys so much. Enjoy the rest of the show.

Well, next up, we’re gonna dive into our topic for the night and we are talking about parenting. Now Jason and I both have kids. Jason has three. I’m wet too. And neither of us have plans that anymore. However, tonight should be a fun conversation. We’ve got some cringy situations that parents sometimes find themselves in. We will answer how we would respond in those situations. And then secondly, to get it a little bit deeper, we’re going to look at 10 questions that successful parents ask themselves. Now both of these lists come from articles I found online. And if you want to check them out, we will put the links in the show notes and social media probably so you can find those and dig in and enjoy them for yourselves. So with that we’ll get started with the first parenting scenario. And that is your kid becomes friends with someone whose parents are absolutely insufferable. Do you suffer through interactions with the parents for your kids sake? steer your kid toward being friends with other kids. Or forbid your kid from being friends with their kid?

drama dancer first? Sure. All right. I chose steer your kid toward being friends, other kids. Is that how you answer to

if I’m honest That would be my ideal answer. Well, you need to be honest. If that’s my ideally, oh, I’m being honest with what I would actually do. I would probably suffer through it. For the kids sake. Yeah, I tend to be a little bit. I don’t want to say I’m a complete doormat. But sometimes with issues like this, I tend to just let a lot of things slide.

Well, you got to look at the totality of the circumstance, like Avery has all these friends. And we’ve never I mean, we’ve met them briefly. But it’s not like we hang out, right? If it was something where, like he was in a traveling sport, and we’re by them all the time. I don’t know, man, like I. Yeah, I guess that is not a good example. Because you’re on the same team. I just don’t know a scenario where you’d be by the parents all the time. But I will have to be honest, too. I probably suffered through most of it. But I kind of feel like if the parents are insufferable, the kid probably is, too. And so I would just be like, I don’t know about that kid. But yeah, I would probably lean towards your one too.

So 56% of people will suffer through it. 42% said they would steer their kid toward being friends with other kids. And only 2% would forbid their kid from being friends.

I think you’re just an asshole. If you do that, like that’s not good parenting at all. I forbid you. Right, you see this child?

No kidding. This was one that was a lot of fun. Kind of a walk down memory lane. You get rid of one of your kids along ignored toys. And then the next day your kids suddenly needs it desperately. Do you kindly help them, quote, look for it until they hopefully lose interest? shrug and say, Well, if you ever cleaned your room, you might know where things are. Or beyond instead admit that you tossed it out.

I was going to be admit you toss it out. So am I. I mean, surprisingly, that was 29% 22% was the shrug Well, if you ever cleaned your room? I mean, I’m not saying I wouldn’t say that. But if the child was upset, and in the moment, I probably wouldn’t say that. But I may say it tongue in cheek to a different scenario where there’s not an emotional attachment to something issues like, Oh, I’m looking for my pens on my wall. If you ever clean your room, you might know where it is, I would say there, but not where something they’re like, Oh my gosh, I need it. I need it. But I’d admit it. I’d be like, Hey, I’m sorry. You haven’t played with that thing in three months? And I decided to get rid of it. Yep. Kind of pay the piper.

Yeah. Yeah, I have a daughter who hoards things. So there are times where both Andy and I make executive decisions. If something’s left out or not taken care of. It’ll just disappear. And if she asks us about it, we tell him the truth. It’s like, yeah, you left it out for like, a week. We just got rid of it. Yeah, I’ve

I’ve had speaking of pitching things. I’m a pitcher, too. And Megan’s like, Don’t pitch my stuff. Because there’s times or I have thrown stuff away really like what, I don’t know nothing of significance. But it’s just like, something set like a piece of paper that supposedly was important. sat on the counter for three months. And I’m, I’m guilty of that, too. I do the same thing. And she’s probably thrown it away. And I’ve been like, babe, and she’s probably like, you should have took care of it. But, but yeah, with the kids stuff. I don’t even care. I’m like, if it’s been sitting around or some stupid thing that Sally made that he’s not gonna care about. Yeah, I just pitch it.

What about when it comes to their artwork? pitch? Really? Yeah, I so do we, but that’s really hard for me because my mom to this day has like, Rubbermaid totes full of stuff that I did in school, but is that for her? Or is that for you? Probably for her. Yeah, no.

Yeah. Okay, so that’s fine. So do you feel bad pitching it because it’s for bad for you or bad for your child? You just feel guilty because they made it and you’re throwing it away?

Yeah, I guess it’s just ingrained in me that if my kid makes something, I’m supposed to hold on to it. Now. Most kids that make stuff is shit.

It’s the guy who. Now Sally, on the other hand, is an excellent drawer. And I’ll hold on to a lot of that stuff for a while, but then he just draws some stuff again, that’s exactly the same. So I’m just like, Okay, he’s done with this. But now I throw it I kept it for a while. I’m like, What am I gonna do with this? Yeah, my kids not gonna want this. My value in their relationship is spending time with them. I mean, sure, maybe my kid will come back and, you know, yell at me because I didn’t save it. I didn’t know we hung out a fridge for a week or two. It’s not like I looked at it and toss in the recycle bin. But it I mean, some of it I did, but if it was special, I would hang it on the fridge for a while and then just conveniently would end up in the recycle bin.

Do your kids have memory boxes now? Wow, ours do. Apparently, I’m a terrible parent. I don’t think you’re a terrible parents. We’re gonna Father’s Day. Jason’s a terrible parent. He said so himself now? Not really. Our kids do. But I don’t think they’re actively adding to them any. Yeah, like, and part of their story being adopted is I think some of the stuff that’s in the Memory Box is from before they were with us, I think I’m trying to remember what’s all in them, which is kind of cool. Yeah. So I can see why it’s beneficial for them. But my mom has that Memory Box of mine. Like, man, there’s so much stuff in there. It’d be cool to like, go through it one day, right? Like

spend an afternoon like my parents used to keep actual photo albums. No, it was kind of cool. When we would go over there for Christmas every once in a while or whatever. And to pull out the photo albums and kind of just peel through them. It kind of triggers some memories. But other than that, I’m like, I don’t need all this art shit. Like the hair the baby’s hair. I’m like, seriously? Yeah. I mean, maybe it’s because I’m, you know, I met and I talked about this today like talking about like, my dad and stuff. And yeah, like, I feel like I’m a good dad, but I’m not as engaged as I should be. And I’m wondering if that has to do with how I was brought up and stuff. And so maybe that kind of correlates to saving the artwork and stuff like that. I’m just like, I don’t really care. I’m just trying to do what I can today. Not trying to get all deep and long. No, but you know what I mean?

Yeah, I can see where you’re coming from coming from that kind of an experience. Yeah.

Yeah. So it’s totally different with you. Because like, I feel like you’re super engaged with your kids. While you do have tuned out periods. And this is me speculating. I think you’re way more gates in me. For for one, you’re just more engaging, because I think you had, you know, you had shit growing up, but not the same shit as me. No. And I think because your kids are adopted, you’re like, I gotta pour into these kids. Because, you know, and I should be doing that too. But you know, whatever.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, speaking of adopted kids and Father’s Day, like, yesterday, I don’t think Stefan had any issue with that. In the past, both kids would just have epic meltdowns on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day because it brings up memories of their Yeah. Not even memories for Stefan. He doesn’t remember being with them doesn’t even know his birth. That is, but it brings up questions. We’re gonna kid. You’re thinking about it. Like, why am I not with my real birth? Dad? Whatever. Yeah, no, I totally get that. So to have a day where that wasn’t even an issue. Like I just sitting here now. I’m like, Oh, wow. Well,

I think part of it is through. Yeah, he had a little epiphany. I think part of it is if miracles not there. I’m not saying she causes it. But if she did have that, that would trigger him to think about it. Like it’s just a downward or a snowball effect. Yeah, exactly. And then you feel bad from then you get you get irritated because they’re, you’re like, I’ve done all this stuff for you. And you’re thinking about, you know what I mean? It’s just this whole back and forth scenario that happens.

And I think I was like, mentally preparing myself for it to be a shitty day.

I think you were, and it wasn’t. Yeah, I was surprised by how good it was. You’re like, toughen yourself up. Yeah. It’s gonna be bad. Yeah. But it wasn’t Nope. Alright, there’s a next one. There’s another parent you really like but they have a big social media following and you can constantly post photos of their kid with your kid clearly visible. Do you I wasn’t right there.

Just ignore it. It’s no big deal. And they’re really nice. Mention you’d prefer if they asked before posting photos with your kid, or start dressing your kid in their best clothes when they hang out?

I actually said in this was most of it was 56% mentioned he prefer if they asked, and it doesn’t have to be for every photo like in general. Hey, Is this okay? Right? If you say yes, then they can do it. If you say no, then they can’t do it. Not every time they take a photo because that would be annoying. Okay, um, it’s always interesting with celebrities and their kids like Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard. Yeah, they always put like a heart or an emoji over their kid’s face every time. And some people they just show their kids like loud and proud. So

bakwin Miracle was a foster child, we would put emojis over her face. Oh yeah, just one of those. That’s what you’re supposed to do if they’re a foster kid.

Yeah, we had a gal and young lives that was part of the committee and helps with childcare there facilitate it and she was actually Foster and kid for many years, and every single photo was like that. But she ended up the the parents got there, right survey show, she adopted it. And the second it was official that was obviously went away. So yes, and I, you know, she’s just following the rules. Yeah. And I appreciate that.

Speaking of that, today is the fourth anniversary of miracles adoption day. Okay, so four years ago today.

Nice. So yeah, I was gonna ask you totally digression. Did you send her phone with her down to Missouri and oh, man, no. She’s grounded from that fine. Oh, yeah. No, I was just curious. I’m pretty proud of you for not giving it to her.

Yeah. And then Stefan also got into some trouble, different circumstances, different reasons. But he also had a pretty significant punishment. He lost the privilege of having overnights until after driver’s training is done. Okay. So he’s been fighting that one tooth and nail but not backing down.

That’s the toughest part is is following through with those punishment. Yeah. Taking the phone and saying it’s gone. That’s why I’ve tried with a real she’s getting older, to not make quick, quick punishments. Yes. Because then you’re like, what am I going to do now? I said, a month I literally, she had her phone in her room. I literally going to keep her phone away for a month. No, I’m not. So I always say, Okay, I need to think about it, which is pretty good for me to circle back. It’s the circle back and then like, okay, I’ve decided it’s the tell the next day, or whatever. But yeah, you don’t want to, because if you if you say something and don’t follow through? Yeah, that’s not

a good thing. Well, we have been doing and it’s been working really great as we’ll take the phone and take the Xbox or take whatever it is that they need a break from. And we’ll tell them when everybody’s calm. Tomorrow, we’ll talk about what your ongoing consequences will be. But for now, give me your phone. Okay. Yeah, I

take the phone right away. And I just I power it down, and I hide it nice. Oh, yes. So where are we at?

All right, the next scenario, Oh, boy. There’s another one. But wait. I saw this and I was like, does this actually ever happen? I think it does. Probably does. I? Yeah. I would say get a bad day. But here’s the question. Your first graders friend comes over to play a lot, but also calls for you to wipe their butt when they use the bathroom. Be so awkward. Do you wipe the kids by it and just keep it to yourself? Have an awkward chat with parents explaining that their kid needed some help in the bathroom? Or tell the kid they can’t use the bathroom? For

First of all, the last two are just like, every one of those things. Every one of those people that click vote for them, you should put an eye on them by the FBI. No, I mean, in today’s age, like back in the day, when we were growing up, a mom probably would have done that no problem. Like even Megan, we. The other night, we had a couple people for a fire. And one of the neighbor kids had a cousin with them. And they were playing this scary game in this cousin started crying. Okay, no, their parent wasn’t around. Yeah, not the cousins. But even the neighbor kids. We’ve actually they’ve never actually even coming over to our house. It’s kind of strange, but, I mean, we know them. We have their phone number with them. But um, so Maggie’s like, Oh my gosh, I’m sorry, buddy. And she wasn’t even comfortable, like giving them a side hug. And she’s like, well just come over here. Let’s have some Oreos. We’ll tell the kids out to play but it’s kind of the thing of like white the kids bought and keep it to yourself. Like, Are you insane? Right. Oh, I mean, obviously I answered. Have an awkward chat with the kids parents. It’s not awkward. Just say hey, I don’t really want to wipe your kids bought, like in the parent probably be like, Yeah, I don’t want you to either. So I mean, if if they have to go poo just send them home? I don’t know.

Yeah, yeah, I would do the same. Although there would be a part of me that would be like, nope, you’re just not going to use the bathroom here. You need to go home or something. But

But here’s the problem. What if it’s a friend that got dropped off? Right? Like it’s not a neighbor? neighbor can go to your parent, you know, I would might say, hey, if you haven’t trouble wipe and maybe run to your house and go poo, right or whatever I would I guess I would say that too. But yeah, but it just tell the kid they cannot use the bathroom when they’re over. But

yeah, so that brings up a funny, weird memory. Now, one of my friends in like seventh or eighth grade, maybe it was six. It was Middle School. One of my friends, apparently I didn’t know, but had bladder issues at night and they had to wear a diaper. That’s wrong. And so he came over to spend the night and I don’t know how it came up, but he’s like, I’ll be right back. I gotta put my diaper. He actually said it out loud. Wow, that’s interesting. And I was like, uh, I don’t know if I want you to sleep on my bed because I was going to sleep on the floor and let him have the bed like a nice friend.

Yeah. But then I’m like, ooh, I would have been a little uncomfortable with that. I mean, as an adult, I would be like, Well, clearly, he’s not gonna go if he’s got a diaper on or depends. Yeah, I can. I’m surprised. He felt vulnerable. That and you. You got it? Did you? Did you say anything? Are you just in your head?

I didn’t tease him. But in my head. I’m like, Oh, shit. I don’t know if I want them on my bed.

Yeah, that’s weird that the kid brought it up. You had that most kids that age? Like they’re taking that to their grave.

Right? Just put it on secretly. You’re not saying no one would even know. Yeah, yeah. Why? Just tell me that now? I’m gonna not sleep at night because I’m worried. Did you ever have a sleep over with him again after that? No. I did not bad. I think that was pretty intentional. That’s funny.

Okay, your in laws are on the way over to watch the kids while you go to a work event. Suddenly you get called saying the event is canceled? Do you Why do I read it? On not on this because I have to find it. Dammit. Oh, there it is. Do you pretend the event is still on and go out away for some much needed kid free time ordering some food and spend the evening with your in laws. Call your in laws to say thanks, but you don’t need them.

I would 100% pretend it was still on and take full advantage of the fact that I have a sitter. I don’t think I would really I

I’m kind of a homebody, I’d be like, yeah, we’re good. It got canceled. I’ll just stay home.

But this is your chance to be away from home. And surprising to me. You’re like the extrovert. I thought,

Yeah, I am.

I don’t know. I don’t know. I am like, I’m also a planner too. So So I plan on this work event. And this is going to happen. All of a sudden, I have to come up with plans of going out to some random place. I don’t know. Just me. I’d probably be like, we’re good. And I guess if it was, if I was be able to be home with the kids and my wife, I think I’d say home if it was maybe you just mean the kids. I might say I might go somewhere else. But yeah, I can honestly say I’d lean more towards the 13%.

Wow, I’m impressed. you’re you’re you’re impressed or shocked. I’m a little bit of both. Like that shows a lot of dedication to your family. And also

No, let’s not get crazy. It’s more. It’s more for me. Well, I guess it’s more for me, but

I don’t know in my mind. It’s free time away from the kids. So yeah, Yes, please. Well, it’s

funny you bring that up because I talked to Chris Kaneohe, and they talked about you doing a hike what you guys are gonna do on a hike. And he thought, What a perfect day to do it on Father’s Day because you could get away from the kids. And then he said, Oh, no, he said, You said I got to spend time with the family. He’s like, wait a minute, it’s Father’s Day, you get to do whatever you want.

Yeah, and in my mind, Father’s Day supposed to be spent with the kids that you’re a father to but interesting enough. I

think a lot of fathers take off and go golfing and do all this other stuff. I’ve never done that. I haven’t either. I just we just hang out eat some good food and you know, yeah, it’s it’s whatever. But yeah, he was like lawn taking off for the afternoon. That’s cool, too. I mean, I have no problem with that To each

their own. Yeah. Huh. All right, last one here. Your kid has a form that they have to turn in at every school week listing the books you read them. Each night. This week was a week for you and you just didn’t do it. Do you? Make up a list of fake books and hope your kid doesn’t bust you with a teacher? Write on the form. You had a tough week but you’ll do it next week. or forget to put the form in your kids homework folder and hope it goes unnoticed. You want to hear my answer? Yep, straight up honest with a 29% who said they would make up a list of fake books and hope your kid doesn’t bust your bus. Do you with the teacher? totally the same

thing. Those 49% people are lying. They’re liars. So interesting enough, I do this all the time because Sally, we have to sign they have like an assignment sheet. Every day that comes down. We have to sign it. And it says read for 20 minutes. Well, there’s a lot of times that he doesn’t read For 20 minutes, and I signed that sucker anyways, like, I don’t want to be that parent. I mean, come on, and I and I think teachers understand it. So writing on the form is, would probably be fine for the teacher, they’re going to be like, but I mean, if you did every week, it would be a problem. But oh, 100% I have made up a list or faked a signature, or whatever. Well, even with Avery, I hope their teachers never listened to this. She’s not doing band anymore. She wanted to do it. But when you sign up for band, you’re you’re you’re hooked for a year. Oh, yeah. And, and so I was signing her practice card. And I know for sure, she was not practicing as much as she was supposed to. So I was like, whatever, you’re not going to do this again, just get it out of my face. Right. So I would just sign it

nice. Well, we’re gonna shift gears go a little bit deeper. And those are a lot of fun. And again, we’ll put the link in the show notes. So if you want to look at the quiz yourself and see how your answers rate, you can do that. But the next thing we’re going to talk about is 10. Questions that successful parents ask themselves, we’ll get through this list as far as we can. They’re all really good. But we probably won’t have time to hit all of them. So again, check the links and do yourself a favor.

Yeah. Do we want to just each real quick? Pick two? Sure. That we want?

Yeah, that works. So for me. Number one, is a really powerful thought for me. The question is, do I want what’s good for my child or what’s best? It’s natural for parents to advise their children to pursue the safe, predictable and practical route. parents do this because they don’t want their child to experience uncertainty or discomfort. This is the good path. But is it the best path? In most cases? No. The best path is usually the one that’s full of challenges, obstacles and disappointments. It might even be full of the F word failure. Oh, that’s not the one I use. Winning parents distinguish between good and best, and continually encourage their children to choose best. The reason I struggle with this one is I absolutely do want what’s best for my kids, and I will push them in that direction. However, I’m finding that as my kids get older, they don’t necessarily want the best, right? Just want to settle for the good. And move on like, very narrow minded focus, like Stefan misses a homework assignment, but he still has a really good grade, even though he didn’t do that homework assignment. And I’m like, dude, you are fully capable of doing this assignment. You owe it to yourself, you owe it to the teacher, do the work. I don’t care if it’s only five points. I don’t care if it’s not impacting your grade. do the hard work. Like you want to set yourself up for success in life? Do the things you’re required to do? And he’s just a tends to be a settler. Like, just settle for good.

I think the bottom line is like, if you’re going to do anything, do it. Right. Exactly. And that’s anything in life. I mean, even Avery now we’re working on some business cards for and she’s like, that’s fine. It’s good. I’m like, No, it’s not. It’s not right. Like, let’s do it. So it’s right. And whether she was just like literally saying it’s okay, or she was trying to relieve me of my duties, I don’t know. But either way, I just say no, if you’re going to do something, you need to do it to its fullest extent, because then you’ll never, you know, even if it’s something you start out, like try it hard. Don’t give up right away. And at some point, you might not you might move on like beekeeping or whatever, try your best at it. And, you know, just putting in a half assed effort doesn’t work. Yes, I’m with you. What about you? Um, number three? Do I speak to my child as she’s destined for success? Let’s say that your child does something bad she steals a pen from a school bookshop. How would most parents react? Most parents will say to her, how could you do something like that you’re such a bad girl. You’re so dishonest. I’m ashamed that I’m your parent, I’m going to punish you. Successful parents, on the other hand, say something more along the lines of I’m surprised that you would do something like this. You’re such an honest, well behaved girl. I would never expected you to do this. I’m still going to punish you so that you learn from the mistake. But this is really unlike you. Children have a strange way becoming others view of them, especially their parents. If you speak to your child as if they’re destined for success. It’s more than likely that they’ll live up to the good name you’ve already given them. Totally agree. In this kind of boils down to punishment or discipline. I’ve noticed with Avery if I’d say if I don’t overreact, whenever whatever Something happened, if I say it again, boys like, I am super disappointed. And what happened and she’s like, you know what I mean? Like, she’s expecting me to go off the handle because I do a lot of times, you know if the dogs are barking or if they’re being, you know, Sally and her are being jerks to each other, I will go off the handle, but I think us as parents doing this, I mean, I wouldn’t be all soupy like, I’m surprised. You’re such a well behaved girl I just said, I’m really disappointed that I feel like you could do better than what what you did. So I think that’s super important. That’s one thing I actually do well without flying off the handle. So how do you how do you react? Kind of the same way? Or? Um, depends on

the child. That’s true. Honestly, with Stefan I. I don’t know. I think part of it is I know he’s capable of so much more, um, he’s capable of, of not doing stupid shit like that. And so it just, it drives me crazy. And it gets under my skin when it’s him. And so yeah, I think sometimes I fly off the handle a little bit. When I’m engaging with him. It’s definitely a growth area.

But what what kid wouldn’t be upset if their parents said they were disappointed in them? Right? I mean, maybe a kid would psychopath. But I mean, like, if you really because kids are trying to please their parents. I mean, that’s just how it is. Yeah, try to do what’s right. So if your parents said, I’m really disappointed in the actions you took, I’d be like,

yeah, I think if I were to start my lectures with that, it would save a lot of hurt. And

yeah, because you end up as a parent, you end up saying something wrong. Oh, yeah. You end up being inappropriate at something you’re like. Exactly. circle back on that. And the punishment, so then you don’t punish is hard because you feel bad because you’re a jerk. Right? It’s just fake cycle.

Yeah. And that leads me to my second one. Do I say the following things to my child? There’s this list. I’ll read through it quickly. And I’m sure you can guess which I struggle with the most in saying to my kids, okay, I’m proud of you. I believe in you. You can do it. I’m here for you. I love you. I’m sorry. I was wrong. Will you forgive me? Thank you. And what do you think? I think I do all of those really well, with the exception of two. I’m sorry, I was wrong. And Will you forgive me? Like, it’s so hard for me, especially with my son. Because he’s at an age where he thinks he’s right all the time. And Case in point. I once asked Jason not too long ago, if it was good to muzzle lawn with the mulching bag on or if I should leave it off and let the grass mulch. That was the starting point of a huge argument between my son and I as part of that. Well, I told him to leave the bag on because that’s what I prefer. Yep. I,

I liked a lot. A lot of people do. I mean, from a lawncare perspective, it keeps the nutrients longer in the lawn and those kinds of things. But I totally get it it can if it’s super long. And you mulch it. It’s messy. It gets messy, and you end up dragging grass in the house. Yeah.

So I’m like, just leave the damn bag on. Yeah, so he knew that the bag was supposed to stay on, he took it off. And in taking it off, there was some grass leftover in the bag that didn’t get fully emptied. So that went all over the garage floor. And he mowed the lawn but left this massive grass everywhere by taking off the bag and left the grass on the lawn. And it’s like I specifically said, leave the bag on. And that turned into Well, when I mow for uncle Barry and Uncle Jake, they don’t make me use the bag. So I just took it off. I’m like, this isn’t their house. This is my house. Right? Like, what are you doing? So in that if I was wrong about anything, probably wrong about the fact that it’s not the greatest for the lawn. However, it’s what I asked him to do, and he just didn’t do it. So but I flew off and that’s where I think I was more wrong. Yeah. More Yeah, you’re

Yeah, you’re in this is my mo right. Your reaction was worse than the actual violation. It was. And so now you’re like Judas.

So not only was I off base about you know, what’s the healthiest option for the lawn. I was also off base in my response. And because I was escalated in my response to stuff on it escalated him. It’s we essentially had shouting matches to go going on between us and Andy’s trying to referee and it was it was bad. And I did circle back and say I’m sorry, that was not the right way for me to react.

Yeah. But that’s so hard to say, See To me it’s not really I don’t have a problem going back and saying, Man, I’m so sorry for coming because like, I know how much I’ve heard either Megan or Avery because they’re very sensitive souls on like, it’s not like I’m doing it. Well, I am doing it because of that. But I also want to feel good about myself, right? I mean, it’s twofold. It’s like, I want you to know that I’m really sorry. And I love you and, and those kinds of things, but, but I also want to feel better, like, I don’t go to bed and be like, you know, ooh, I didn’t circle back. Yeah, I would say I think I do all those. I, I’m pretty confident saying that. I mean, that I do all those. Yeah. And I think the most the most useful one for me with Stefan is what do you think? Um, I, because he’s at the age where he has critical thinking ability, the ability to problem solve. So I’m trying to not always answer and say, Well, what do you think that’s really smart? because that gives them an opportunity to voice their opinion. It might not be the right one. And you may not go with their idea. But Stranger things have happened. Yeah, they can something like nulty is a much more a much better critical thinker than I am when it comes to like putting things together. I remember when we got that hot tub. I’m like, how in God’s name, are we gonna the hot tub was over there. How are we going to get it? on the deck? Yeah. So I didn’t know what I was going to do that that fence was gone. So we just had to put it up there. He’s like, no, here’s what you do. It only take four of us. I’m like, your, whatever for I mean, it’s a huge hot tub. He’s Oh, you slide these two by fours under there. And each person like King Tut, like you’re carrying King Tut around. And whatever you he sits in. And that’s what it did. It took four of us, we slid it right off the two by four right on the deck right into position. And I’m like, freaking out. Like I called all these guys over. I had like, 10 guys over to move it. And they’ll just like, no, I got this. That’s so cool. And he wasn’t I mean, I’m pretty sure he was in high school. Okay, so but so that you never know when your kid’s gonna do it. But then, being that young, you’re I think you’re giving him it’s such. That’s so good. I need to start doing that.

Yeah. And when he asks for help with something, he’s fully capable of figuring it out. I think one thing he struggles with is, maybe it’s confidence that he knows the answer. And so he’ll ask me, whether it’s a homework assignment. Or most recently, it was filling out a sheet with information about my car, because that’s what he’s using for the driver’s test. He basically wanted me to fill out the form for him. And I was like, No, I think you’re very capable of doing this. Why don’t you go give it a stab? And what do you know, he actually did? Okay, on it. No, cool. I’m really trying to push him to think for himself. And also like, what you’re talking about to allow him to come up with a solution for Yes,

cuz he’s very capable. I mean, obviously, as they get older, their answers will be better. I mean, at 14, you’re probably going to be a one out of 100. You might use this as response because of the lack of life skills. But But now Yeah, now that he’s older, he’s asking me for advice. So it’s kind of cool, but so cool. All right. Last one, then we’ll wrap up. Do I ask my child to make a commitment? Or do I force her into doing things winning parents understand that every great student, musician, athlete, entrepreneur, technician, salesperson, etc, came to a point where they made a commitment to greatness. Commitment involves making a choice, you can’t force someone to be great. That’s why successful parents don’t coerce their children to taking action. Instead, they allow their children to make choices and take responsibility for those choices. I do that I mean, we talked about the band. Yeah, she wanted to do band. I was kind of excited about it. I was a band nerd from like, fourth grade. What did you play? I played the trumpet, the coronet the baritone and I finished with the tuba. Wow. Yeah, you still play today? Oh, hell no. Hell no. And I enjoyed the time and and, and I was excited that she wanted to play the clarinet. So great. That’s awesome. And then she didn’t like it. Well, I’m not gonna I made her finish her commitment. Yeah, like you. Well, I mean, school kind of did too. But I still would have if it was like for a year, you have to finish it for the year and be done with it. So I do this. I you know, I want I’m not going to force you into anything. But if you commit to the soccer program for a semester, you You’re gonna do it. I mean, maybe you’ll learn to love it. Maybe you’ll still hate it at the end. But either way you committed this code, you committed the team. You gotta do it. And if you start that early, you don’t get pushed back. Yeah. Which we have start real early. You did it with nulty. As much as we could being a split family. Yeah. His Mama’s surprisingly, was on board with, Hey, you got to finish what you signed up for? Yeah. So

what about you? I would say, when it comes to like an activity that they’re committing to, I 100% think they should be the one who decide, first of all, if they’re going to commit to it. If they are, then I’m going to hold them to that commitment. Yeah. I don’t think I’ve ever forced my kids to do it things. With the exception of church and youth group, like I had, my son doesn’t usually want to go, but we tell him he needs to. So I think that’s the only thing that I quote, force my kids,

I think there’s a place of forcing your kid to do to have extracurricular, I cannot say that extra curricular activities like this. I don’t care what it is. I don’t care if it’s the chess club, debate club, soccer, something when you’re in middle school or high school, you need to do something on top of it. Plus, who knows what college you’re gonna go to, they may look back and say you didn’t volunteer. You weren’t in any clubs. You didn’t do any coming. Like, I don’t care what it is. You just need to do something. Yep. Because that’s just how we’re this. Yeah, it’s good for your well rounded, rounded ness as a human being

Yes. 100%. But and maybe I don’t know, I don’t know if I’ll ever changed my tune on that. But in my family, we value church, and we value faith. And for better or for worse, as long as our kids are under our roof. That’s kind of an expectation. So I guess that’s forcing, but I’m okay with it.

It’s different with that. I mean, when it comes to values, like, weather doesn’t matter what religion doesn’t matter what anything is, maybe it’s the boy scout value, right? So you you believe in this as a parent, so you’re gonna go, yeah, I mean, unless it’s just like a horrible experience. Yeah,

exactly. And my son didn’t like the youth group at our new church. So he goes to our previous choker youth group, at fair, it works. So I think there’s always a balance with all of these things. But in general, 100% kids need to find something they enjoy and make a commitment to it. And it’s our job to make sure that they follow through on their commitment. Yeah. So

as we wrap each share a takeaway, my takeaway is I was surprised how similar our answers were. I know, I mean,

yeah, exactly. I

mean, we’re, we’re really different. I mean, we just, I mean, we like some of the same things. But I mean, we’re a lot different. So I thought our parenting styles would be a little a little different as far as responses. So that seems I’m actually pleasantly surprised with that. Maybe we’re growing on

each other. Well, to be honest, I think it’s, I’m the younger parent here and I have looked to you, yeah, advice and insight and parenting. Right. So I think perhaps that some of it to you are rubbing off on me. Well,

interesting enough, though, like you have kids that are adopted. So I don’t know anything about that now that I’m planning on adopting a kid and asking for advice. But it I think that just happens. And I have an older one that’s been through all the ages. And we have a girl and the boy and the younger age. So yeah, it’s it’s tough. It’s all of it’s tough. But when I lay my head down at night, I say i’m doing i’m doing okay. Yeah. I don’t ever feel guilty about not being a good parent. I know. I’m doing okay. Yeah. Yeah. Any takeaways from you? Or

I would say my takeaway is, I was a little surprised by some of your reactions to the first situation questions. Like, I didn’t think you had an introvert bone in your body. But the fact that you would rather go home to home instead of going out, like, really, I

mean, if I was with my wife, we probably would go out. If I’m by myself. I’m like, I’d rather just stay home. I don’t want him hassle with the the inlaw coming over and do I’m like, it’s fine. I’m already planning on being there. No, but like, I don’t know.

It’s so wild. So that was one thing that kind of stood out to me. But then I I would just echo what you shared. You have been a good resource for me, and I appreciate it. And it was just good to chat and see the commonalities we have with some of these things. I know. That’s crazy. So awesome. Well, this was a little bit different of a show for us. I think the idea behind all This is we’re talking about this cringy situation stuff and talking about successful parenting, because it matters and it can be uncomfortable. Now Jason and I have gotten to a point in our relationship where, honestly, there’s not much that makes us uncomfortable talking with each other. But our hope is that you’ll have some of these uncomfortable conversations with your spouse or significant other and that you’ll find a way to take what you learned here and implement it in your parenting.

Yeah, the only time I’m uncomfortable is when you judge me about going to church. Yeah, I tried to stop doing that. Alright guys, thanks for listening to threads podcasts. Have a good one.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

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